Saturday 19 November 2011
The Human Centipede 3: Throwing Up Ideas
The Human Centipede twitter account was recently asking fans to suggest ideas for a third film in the vomit inducing franchise, and this is worrying. The serie was always conceived as a trilogy, and you have to wonder if Tom Six could possibly ever top the second film, which smashed the boundaries of taste and violence. So has he run out of ideas for the third one? If it is the case then I have a whole lot of ideas for him. Some I have actually lovingly ripped off from some Twitter friends, so thanks to @PPlasticHelmet and @beatricecolbran for their genius ideas. Others are mine.
Le Centipede De Cherbourg
A single man still living with his mum is obsessed with French classic musical The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, which he watches over and over again. One day, his mum's violent boy-friend switches over the dvd and he ends up watching The Human Centipede 2 instead. Scarred for life, the man proceeds to create his own all singing, all dancing human centipede. The film turns into a colourful musical, with the "rear" of his new centipede decorated with a lovely red umbrella sticking out, while the "head" is being made to sing the songs of the Jacques Demy's film (despite having had his teeth smashed to smithereens) and the rest of centipede taps its feet along while the digestive tract is passing some colourful candies throughout. No word yet as to whether Catherine Deneuve has agreed to take the "lead".
The Human CentiSpeed
Fast foward ten years in the future and Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullocks careers are in the doldrums. They respond to a mysterious invitation only to find themselves drugged and kidnapped. When they wake up, Keanu is "attached" to Sandra, and she is "attached" to the exhaust pipe of a speeding bus. The big twist at the end reveals it was a fan who never quite forgave them for being/not being in Speed 2. A final twist reveals Jason Patric as the evil mastermind behind his disciple, Saw style. Don't throw a tantrum Jason. At least you never got to star in The Day The Earth Stood Still remake.
The Human Centipede 4: In Da Hood/The Human Centipede 5: In Space!
Following a timeless horror tradition, when you lack inspiration, take your franchise in da hood! Take it in space! It worked for Leprechaun, Hellraiser and Friday the 13th (Jason X). Arguably, weightlessness in space would add an interesting dimension to the bodily fluids shenanigans of the serie. As for the hood, I cannot quite see what a human centipede would do in da hood. But then what was a leprechaun doing there in the first place?!
While a particularly ambitious action scene involving the whole geriatric cast of The Expendables 3 goes wrong, they all find themselves stuck into each other's orifices. The CIA sees the opportunity to use the new centipede as a formidable weapon to be deployed on unsuspecting enemies. Jason Statham as the "head" utters the immortal line: "I've always said you lot had too much shit coming out of your mouth".
Happy Pede 3
Happy Feet 2 proves to be a surprising flop at the box office. Conscious to keep the animated cash cow afloat, George Miller goes for an edgier approach. The opening scene features a whole conga line of penguins, all attached anus to mouth, tap dancing and letting rip of their bowel movements as the most wondrous musical accompaniment. A generation of children who witness this grow up to become the Laurence Harvey's character in The Human Centipede 2.
Right Tom Six, do not tell me you do not have enough to get going. One thing is certain. The Human Centipede 3 will HAVE to be in 3D.