Friday 14 September 2012

The Human Centipede 2 Vomit-Along!

Join me for my live, and now infamous Human Centipede 2 vomit-along! You might remember my first vomit-along while watching the first film, which was nowhere near as gross as I expected, probably because I knew all that was coming. And let's face it, it was not quite as graphic and violent as the hype had us believe. No such danger with the second one, which is said to not so much push but smash the teeth of bundaries and pick up the pieces with rusty tweezers. I recently met director Tom Six and lied to him saying I had seen both films and loved them both... So now there is no escape, no going back, the DVD is on, let's all vomit along!

1:00 Argh, showing us the ending of the original, I forgot how grim it was, one end of the centipede dying, the other end swimming in its own blood... Looking rather pretty in this new black & white format though

2:50 The cinematography is truly lovely. Looks like something out of a Michael Haneke film. Would Michael Haneke direct the Human Centipede 3? Possibly

4:00 Lordie, that guy looks weird, what with the weird bugs eyes?

4:35 Oh dear it is already a lot more violent than the first! Heads smashing with a crowbar, nice.... Mind you the twat guy deserved it. His girl friend? Not so much

5:20 This arty black & white, the weird sound... Has Tom Six gone all arty and Eraserhead on us?

6:32 Well you might be a midget criminal mastermind but you can still have asthma. Bless...

7:26 Oh dear, his hands keep getting tantalisingly close to his crouch... Really not sure I want to be watching when his hands get even closer...

9:19 WORST FAKE RAIN EVER! Looks like somebody just scratched the film to make it look like it rained! How do you scratch a film that has been shot digitally? Erm, well...

10:23 Loved the genius piece of elliptical editing! Flash of white light and old annoying geezer is on the floor, dead!

11:18 I mean, yeah, why bother with exposition or any of this rubbish like a back story or characters hey?

12:52 Don't you hate it when your mobile rings as you're about to smash somebody's teeth? Makes you lose all concentration!

13:50 Nice one, I really wanted to see him rolly-polly! Ah but yes of course, bend over, there is some more inch square of you I am dying to see! First vomit alert of the film so far

16:00 The Haneke connection again. That guy is like Isabelle Huppert in The Piano Teacher with the weirdo mum really

17:00 That guy has got SO much to learn on the dating front... Yes feeding live insects to a centipede truly screams passion

18:00 Remember when Kathy Burke played that grumpy teenager in Kevin & Perry? This is what he would looked like if he still lived with his mum. 40 years later.

19:00 Who's that neo nazi with an East End accent?!

22:00 I was about to say this is lacking of vomit inducing bits, then the bloke peed blood. Delightful

23:00 I got news for you, crackhead, the Human Centipede 1 is NOT a scientific manual, to be studied, followed...

24:00 Oh dear, a pregnant woman AND a baby... Tom Six you sick f$%k, I fear the worst...

25:00 BBFC I can smell your dirty editing paws all over this UK edit...

26:00 The pregnant lady is now crawling on the parking lot floor, seriously injured... Cupcakes, cats and rainbows it ain't

27:00 Eek! Some more head smashing. Ok the violence is there all right, but where is the body horror?

28:54 Ah yes of course, sandpaper, I must remember this next time, I mastur... aherm...

29:35 Now it's gone all a bit Salo with all those bottoms on display...

30:00 The Human Centipede 2 most frightening aspect so far? That it is so incredibly dull

32:00 The Big Brother's house new challenge is a little extreme...

34:00 Oh that's nice, weirdo guy's mum, trying to stab her son but of course! Ah I might just slit my wrists why don't I?

36:00 It has to be said Laurence R Harvey's peformance in the lead is incredible in a silent part! Had it not been for Jean Dujardin, the Oscar was his if there was any justice!

37:00 Oh that WAS disgusting! Face shoved into a real centipede then smashed with, yes you've guessed it, a crowbar!

38:55 OMG head smashed to a pulp AND a asthma attack! Terrifying

40:15 The smashed head is more hole than head now.

41:00 The east end neo nazi is sooo getting it

41:30 Knive, plastic enemas, duck tape, staplers... This won't end well!

42:00 And we are reminded of the poetry of the first film's dialogue: "S&$t I have to s&$t!

43:45 The head smashing crow bar again. I'm bored

45:17 Tom Six has obviously watched 90's Belgian black comedy C'est arrivé pres de chez vous, same esthetic, same camera angles...

48:12 This is hilarious and it's gone all meta now, Ashlynn Yennie, star of the original Human Centipede as herself...

49:29 Realism is stretched as wide as a bowel right now, course darling the freak silent mutant with the serial killer van taking you to a warehouse is obviously going to make you audition for a Quentin Tarantino film!

52:00 It's like a fun party of twister with a twist! So who's up for being the head! Who wants to be the rear? Raise your hand!

54:00 Nice shot of the yet to be attached centipede body parts. They look like pulsating maggots!

55:39: No anesthetic? No problems! Gently smash the head of your patients with a crowbar

56:19 The (heavily edited for the UK version) teeth smashing/pulling bit was as gross as I expected it

58:04 Kneecap removing? I am so not going to enjoy this!

59:00 Eek I had to look away, yup, knee cap removing, slowly, messily...

59:37 argh the snip snip noise of ligaments being cut out...

60:05 Staples... Please not the staples...

61:02 So the freak is stapling mouths into rears...As you do...

62:05 Well at least Ashlynn Yennie is the true star, she is the lead in more ways than one! I feel sorry for the rear end though!

63:10 The poor young guy drew the short straw, face stapled to the neo nazi's rear!

65:05 Feeding them dog food? Human Centipede 2 is like Salo meets Fido

67:00 Finally the first bowel movements! Been waiting for an hour! Oh and the film is not too bad either

69:05 What's worst than having your teeth pulled out? Having your tongue pulled out!

71:11 OMG there is so much I cannot write on blogger sadly, if only I could describe the intestine symphony I am witnessing right now!

73:01 I'm sure the old guy is secretly quite pleased to be attached to this rather attractive woman, even with the laxative needle injection

74:00 Oh, readers, the thing I do for you! I can never unwatch this nutella explosion. Never!

75:15 Erm yes, remove that robe you attractive beast of a man!

76:14 Wow Tom Six does manage to conjure some pretty impressively grosteque images, that pregnant woman escaping was quite something. Although I can tell the BBFC has removed one of the film's most questionable bit

79:00 Some party pooper (literally) just broke the conga line! You're no fun

81:00 If you had to pick one body part where you don't want a centipede to crawl, what would it be? Exactly!

83:20 Good luck getting the centipede out now!

84:26 I kind of want to watch Sister Act, as in, right now!

So The Human Centipede 2 did not traumatise me as much as expected, although I had cheated a bit and read all the best/worst bits elsewhere. This is how I noticed the UK cut is heavily edited, coarsely and noticeably so.

This is a very different film from the first one which was more of a dark comedy and this one hardly has any intentionally funny moments (unless the sight of a centipede being forced into somebody's backside makes you howl with laughter, in which case, you're sick!). It goes for a grim and depressing approach which is a little heavy going after a while. It is also much gorier and more explicit, even with the censorship cuts.

Tom Six has an undeniable talent for conjuring some gruesome images, and there is a marked improvement in the technical front, with its arty black & white cinematography, its work on some minimal but effective sound effects, a few striking shots and a generally much more constructed art direction (whereas the first one had the look of a made for TV German thriller) But this sequel does not quite reach the heights of some of the more celebrated cult films it is targeting such as Eraserhead, with which it shares a certain industrial feel.

It will be interesting to see where the Human Centipede 3 will go. The film within a film within a film concept would be a bit tired (although the HC2's lead is coming back, which hints at its possibility), and having gone from a 3 pieces to 10 pieces centipede, I do not know how a 33 pieces centipede would work. Leave it to Six's sick imagination to come up with something revolting!

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